When I landed in L.A. last year, I hardly knew anyone. I went out to a restaurant to catch up with one of my guy friends (Ben) and we had a riveting conversation about the importance of following your highest excitement in life. I asked him point blank what he would do right now – the most exciting thing he could think of doing at this very moment? The next thing I knew Ben got up from the table, walked over to me, and kissed me. I was totally stunned. It was quite unexpected. And so absolutely fucking hot. I resisted at first, but went along with it after awhile. Did I even like this man? Was I even attracted to him? I don’t know, maybe? I had never thought about it. We were just friends. But oh how that had so quickly changed. We went back to eating dinner after the kiss and I couldn’t stop smiling and giggling. I drove him back to his car after dinner and we kissed again. This time equally as hot, if not hotter. I asked him if he was seeing anyone. He said no. He asked me as well. I said no. And then we each when home to our separate beds.
For the next 6 months, Ben and I would hang out from time to time. Go to the movies…a Christmas party..out to eat. I would receive mixed signals from him and engage in superficial flirting. I would always be secretly hoping that there would be something more that would transpire each time we hung out, but I never said anything about it and neither did he. We might as well have been in preschool together. No touching. No licking. No kissing. No petting. Just weird, sexually frustrated energy coming off the both of us. Nevermind, I’ll just speak for myself. I was a walking ball of sexual frustration, but at this point still not feeling comfortable pursuing any sort of dating relationship that didn’t seem to be leading to something more.
I existed in this vague relationship space with him for several months and then I started dating another guy pretty regularly and surprise, surprise, moved into that same vague relationship space with the new guy. I began to learn (the hard way of course) that being in that vague space sucks. Being with someone who has no clarity about their intentions and what they want sucks and is a recipe for drama. The lack of communication between two people about desires, fears, likes, and dislikes, sucks. Silently hanging out in that vague sucky space of trying to read another person and not asking for what I want felt awful and disempowering. But that’s where I was at the time.
When I OM, it’s very intimate and it’s sexual, but there’s such laser-like clarity that comes from always having a set “container” for the practice. Gloves, ask permission to touch, permission granted, 15 minutes, boom, bam, bing! Now share a frame. Each person knows what’s going on and what it’s all about. There’s communication, there’s asking for what’s wanted, and requesting what’s not wanted. In a Makeout session, there’s all of that and much more. And surprisingly, it can be super hot. Before this phase of my life, I used to think playing coy and just going with the flow was hot and super sexy, and to an extent that can be true. For example, that first unexpected kiss with Ben was money. But now, I think being open, honest, upfront, and clear is way hotter. It’s hard to see myself going back to operating in that vague space with anyone.
Let’s be clear, I don’t need someone to call my mom and state their intentions with me after our first date. But I am turned on by the words:
“I’m not sure where this might go, but I’m super attracted to you and I want to explore that with you this weekend.”
I can dig it. I’m down to do some exploring with you as well.
or
“I can stop thinking about sucking your breasts and eating your pussy. Would you be interested in doing that tonight?”
See? Clear. Straightforward. No beating around the bush. (hahaha)
or
“I felt an energetic connection between us and I want to spend more time with you, whatever that looks like.”
I can feel your desire. We’re on the same page. Let’s do it.
I am not turned on by the words:
“Wanna hang out tonight?”
Dude. #FuckThat
Ben called me out of the blue this week. I hadn’t really seen him in many months as he started a new job and has been traveling. He wanted to know if I wanted to go see the new Steve Jobs movie. I was in a good mood and said sure and asked him to text me the time for the movie. As I sat in the cafe, replaying the call in my head, I heard a subtle voice say “ask him what his intention is”. I silenced the voice and said to myself, “I don’t need to know his intention, we’re just going to the movies.” And then I remembered all those other movie outings we’ve been on. The ones with the weird, vague energy, and awkwardness where I wasn’t sure whether I should flirt, or ask him about certain things. I listened to the voice and texted him asking him to clarify if he was asking me out on a date or as a friend. His response was “I’m not a fan of labels”. Awww hell no, i thought to myself. Here we go again. Fuck that. So I texted back and explained that I was a fan of clarity and open communication. I acknowledged for the first time how awkward it feels to hang out with him in his comfort zone of non-labels, and declined the movie invitation.
I love the level of clarity I’m getting from this new practice and new community, when it comes to what I want from men and what I want in relationships. Things that worked me just a few months ago, are not even on the table for negotiation these days. I’m clear that the type of men I’m OM-ing with and the type of straightforward communication we share and the clarity of their intention and their desire are the types of men I want to spend time with.
Plus I’m feeling “full” in terms of sexual contact, intimacy, connection, and orgasm, and not as hungry as I was before. Hunger makes me do things like stay in lukewarm dating relationships disconnected from what I truly desire. If I was “hungry” when Ben called today, I probably would have been out at the movies with him, just to feel a sense of connection with a man.
It’s sad, but true.
feminine-seeking-divine 