Cracking Open

So far, I’ve OMed with four Latino men, two Asian men, and one Indian man.  This might seem like no big deal to the average person, but it’s kind of a big deal for me because I’ve hardly dated or had sex with anyone who was not black or white.  I mean there was Taylor, a college boyfriend who was half Black and half Korean — but for the most part, the outline of my dating “box” has been pretty well-defined.  As much as I consider myself to be an equal opportunity dater, the fact that the lines of my attraction tend to only flow a certain way provides insight into how my perception of men is tainted by invisible conditioning.

When questioned about their choices in partners, I’ve heard people say things like “that’s just who I like” or “I can’t help who I’m attracted to” and for the most part, I’ve always thought the same way about my dating preferences, if I gave much thought to it all.  That all changed when I started to OM.  Before OM-ing, there was like a whole set of mental gymnastics and rules that I would go through in order to decide whether it was safe and worthwhile to give a man my number, let alone touch my pussy.  And these rules had the effect of limiting my interactions to a very small group of men.

THE RULES
(well, some of them…)

He had to to have a certain look.
No crooked teeth.  No gaps.
Smooth skin.  Acne or scarring of any sort was an automatic turn off.
Overweight?  Absolutely not.
No short men.
Improper grammar or visible signs of being of a lower economic class?  Keep it moving.
Too smooth?  Not interested.
Is he gainfully employed?
Does he have children?
Hideous laughs, loud chewing, and any other quirks or eccentricities need not apply.

Oh yeah, must have rhythm.

And on top of that, there was was a long list of shoulds and shouldn’ts…

THE SHOULDS & SHOULDN’TS
(well, at least some of them…)

He should approach me in a certain way…
He shouldn’t come across as overly eager or needy.
He should call first.
He should take me to this kind of place..
He shouldn’t text me too much.
He shouldn’t make me feel like a sex object.
He shouldn’t expect affection on the first date.

That was the complete wall of SHIT I put up when I interacted with men and forced them to contend with.  (Dear Men of the world, I am so very sorry…)  No wonder I wasn’t dating and my sex life was non-existent.

And before now, I was also a prolific online dater.  For the past 10 years, off and on, I’ve been on match.com, OK-Cupid, Tinder, Black Planet, Seeking Arrangements, that Hotmail singles site and probably a few others I forgot about.  I even signed up for E-Harmony and answered 45 minutes of questions to get my profile going.  Online dating appealed to me because interacting with men in person was challenging because I had so much conflicting ideas and shit going on in my head about who I would let into my space and what I wanted in a man.  My main strategy with men out in the real world became:  AVOID EYE CONTACT at all costs.  Online dating was an easy and neat way to maintain control, enforce my rules, overthink everything, and affirm my subconscious conditioning.  And when I actually would agree to meet up with someone I met online, or I was set up with someone in real life, I would google the shit out of them.  I looked them up on all the social media sites.  I told myself that my “online background checks” were for my own safety, but it was more than that.  I was vigilant about making sure no man who was deemed inferior or unworthy was allowed to touch my vagina…or my heart.

OM-ing has allowed me to start to connect with people who normally would have not made it past my strict vigilance, shoulds, patterns, and arbitrary thresholds.  People who I would have normally assumed that there was absolutely no possible chance of connection, turn on, interest, or excitement were now allowed to touch my vagina and be in my intimate space with no barrier to entry.  The practice has been cracking me open in ways I never imagined and forcing me to question everything I thought to be true and sacred when it comes to intimacy and dating.  It has put me in touch with my true desire without all the layers of shit that I’ve picked up along the way about what I should and shouldn’t want.

During one of my group OM’s, I overheard a pair sharing their frames at the end of the OM, where they described the sensations that they felt in their body during the 15 minutes.  At that point, the man asks the woman, I’m sorry…what was your name again?  I laughed out loud at the absolute and utter absurdity of that scenario.  This man just stroked this woman’s pussy for fifteen minutes and didn’t know her name or anything else about her…but they may have tapped into a connection so deep and intimate in that brief time period, that some couples are still reaching for after many years of partnership or some people are desperately searching for on the dating scene.  But in that light, dating seems equally as absurd, doesn’t it?  Two people putting up facades, meeting up at some arbitrary place to engage in some arbitrary activity, to engage in superficial conversation, in hopes of gathering enough data to cross-reference with pre-existing and largely unconscious rules and beliefs, and determine whether it is appropriate to swap spit and touch each other’s genitals, in order to ultimately connect with one another on some deeper plane of existence.

Why not just connect first?

Dude. #FuckThat

When I landed in L.A. last year, I hardly knew anyone.  I went out to a restaurant to catch up with one of my guy friends (Ben) and we had a riveting conversation about the importance of following your highest excitement in life.  I asked him point blank what he would do right now – the most exciting thing he could think of doing at this very moment?  The next thing I knew Ben got up from the table, walked over to me, and kissed me.   I was totally stunned.  It was quite unexpected.  And so absolutely fucking hot.  I resisted at first, but went along with it after awhile.  Did I even like this man?  Was I even attracted to him?  I don’t know, maybe?  I had never thought about it.  We were just friends.   But oh how that had so quickly changed.  We went back to eating dinner after the kiss and I couldn’t stop smiling and giggling.  I drove him back to his car after dinner and we kissed again.  This time equally as hot, if not hotter.  I asked him if he was seeing anyone.  He said no.  He asked me as well.  I said no.  And then we each when home to our separate beds.

For the next 6 months, Ben and I would hang out from time to time.  Go to the movies…a Christmas party..out to eat.   I would receive mixed signals from him and engage in superficial flirting.  I would always be secretly hoping that there would be something more that would transpire each time we hung out, but I never said anything about it and neither did he.  We might as well have been in preschool together.  No touching.  No licking.  No kissing.  No petting.  Just weird, sexually frustrated energy coming off the both of us.  Nevermind, I’ll just speak for myself.  I was a walking ball of sexual frustration, but at this point still not feeling comfortable pursuing any sort of dating relationship that didn’t seem to be leading to something more.

I existed in this vague relationship space with him for several months and then I started dating another guy pretty regularly and surprise, surprise, moved into that same vague relationship space with the new guy.  I began to learn (the hard way of course) that being in that vague space sucks.  Being with someone who has no clarity about their intentions and what they want sucks and is a recipe for drama.  The lack of communication between two people about desires, fears, likes, and dislikes, sucks.  Silently hanging out in that vague sucky space of trying to read another person and not asking for what I want felt awful and disempowering.    But that’s where I was at the time.
When I OM, it’s very intimate and it’s sexual, but there’s such laser-like clarity that comes from always having a set “container” for the practice.  Gloves, ask permission to touch, permission granted, 15 minutes, boom, bam, bing!  Now share a frame.  Each person knows what’s going on and what it’s all about.  There’s communication, there’s asking for what’s wanted, and requesting what’s not wanted.  In a Makeout session, there’s all of that and much more.   And surprisingly, it can be super hot.  Before this phase of my life, I used to think playing coy and just going with the flow was hot and super sexy, and to an extent that can be true.  For example, that first unexpected kiss with Ben was money.  But now, I think being open, honest, upfront, and clear is way hotter.  It’s hard to see myself going back to operating in that vague space with anyone.

Let’s be clear, I don’t need someone to call my mom and state their intentions with me after our first date.  But I am turned on by the words:

“I’m not sure where this might go, but I’m super attracted to you and I want to explore that with you this weekend.”

I can dig it.  I’m down to do some exploring with you as well.

or

“I can stop thinking about sucking your breasts and eating your pussy.  Would you be interested in doing that tonight?”

See?  Clear.  Straightforward. No beating around the bush.  (hahaha)

or

“I felt an energetic connection between us and I want to spend more time with you, whatever that looks like.”

I can feel your desire.  We’re on the same page.  Let’s do it.

I am not turned on by the words:

“Wanna hang out tonight?”

Dude.  #FuckThat

Ben called me out of the blue this week.  I hadn’t really seen him in many months as he started a new job and has been traveling.   He wanted to know if I wanted to go see the new Steve Jobs movie.  I was in a good mood and said sure and asked him to text me the time for the movie.  As I sat in the cafe, replaying the call in my head, I heard a subtle voice say “ask him what his intention is”.  I silenced the voice and said to myself, “I don’t need to know his intention, we’re just going to the movies.”  And then I remembered all those other movie outings we’ve been on.  The ones with the weird, vague energy, and awkwardness where I wasn’t sure whether I should flirt, or ask him about certain things.  I listened to the voice and texted him asking him to clarify if he was asking me out on a date or as a friend.  His response was “I’m not a fan of labels”.   Awww hell no, i thought to myself.  Here we go again.  Fuck that.  So I texted back and explained that I was a fan of clarity and open communication.  I acknowledged for the first time how awkward it feels to hang out with him in his comfort zone of non-labels, and declined the movie invitation.

I love the level of clarity I’m getting from this new practice and new community, when it comes to what I want from men and what I want in relationships.  Things that worked me just a few months ago, are not even on the table for negotiation these days.  I’m clear that the type of men I’m OM-ing with and the type of straightforward communication we share and the clarity of their intention and their desire are the types of men I want to spend time with.

Plus I’m feeling “full” in terms of sexual contact, intimacy, connection, and orgasm, and not as hungry as I was before.  Hunger makes me do things like stay in lukewarm dating relationships disconnected from what I truly desire.  If I was “hungry” when Ben called today, I probably would have been out at the movies with him, just to feel a sense of connection with a man.

It’s sad, but true.

When Do We Become Aware Of Our Sexuality?

I came across an article the other day titled “Why I Taught My Daughter What A Vibrator Was When She Was Ten Years Old.”  I was so excited to read the article and hear about a parent educating their child on these issues at such an early age.  For the most part sex and sexuality were not discussed in my house growing up, and mostly all of my sexual experiences were accompanied by feelings of disapproval, guilt, shame, and silence.

I understand now that I am a very sexual being, but growing up, I felt like I was always doing something wrong or inappropriate when it came to my insatiable curiosity about sex.  Discussing vibrators at 10 years old seems to make some people squeamish, but I found my first porn in my mom’s bedroom at the age of 11.  It was called the Adventures of Dick Black, Black Dick and I can still remember some of the scenes to this day.  Ha!  I didn’t google it on the internet until this very moment and I was able to find the video cover artwork.

I also stumbled across a website today called Herself that asked a variety of women, when they started to become aware of their sexuality, and the ages they listed in the excerpts below were very young.  I think it’s counter productive to think that kids don’t start to think about sex and sexuality until their teen age years.  I think it happens way before then and that parents would help their children develop a healthy relationship with their bodies and their sexuality if they discussed it with them early on, until waiting for circumstances to force the discussion.

Here’s a few of the responses from the women interviewed on Herself.com:

“The first time I fell asleep on the corner of a chair and had what I now realize was an orgasm. I must have been around three or four years old. I would place my body perfectly on the corner of a couch or chair until, as I remember telling myself, ‘it felt good’, and then I would fall asleep in that position. I am pretty sure there are pictures somewhere. (laughs)”

“I’d say it wasn’t until Grade 12 that I realized sex was something that people my age were partaking in. I didn’t get my period until Grade 12 so I feel like that was a significant part of realizing what sexuality and being a female was all about.”

“I’ve known for as long as I can remember that my sexuality is different from other people’s sexuality. But I really became aware of it when I was 13 – when I saw porn for the first time. That’s when I realized that, yes, I’m different, but there are also a lot of people out there like me.”

“I was twelve when I first started masturbating. I was in the tub cleaning myself when I discovered my clitoris and realized it felt good to touch it. I started taking a lot of baths! (laughs)”

“Well, I hit puberty young and I had Internet access… I found all the things I liked, things that felt good when I did them to myself.”

“I had my first orgasm at age eight when I saw a topless woman on the drive-in screen adjacent to the screen we were watching. I had no idea what happened or why it happened and it scared the shit out of me! That moment stirred my attraction for women and for discovering my body.”

“When I was 11. I developed very early and, at that age, already looked like I was 18. I was downtown with my friends and we were all wearing typical attire for that age (jean-shorts and t-shirts), but the men we passed paid attention to me and not my friends, who looked like typical 11-year-olds. The feeling of their eyes on me, and their reactions to me, made me very aware of my sexuality and how powerful it could be.”

Grrr…

Before I took the Intro to OM class and started OM-ing, I talked to a girlfriend of mine about co-authoring a book with tips for women on how to live lives full of ecstasy.  For personal research, I decided I was going to engage in 30 consecutive days of orgasm.  I didn’t have a partner at the time or even a friend with benefits, but I was prepared to use my fingers or buy batteries for my vibrator.  I hadn’t used my vibrator in almost two years, for whatever reason, but I was willing to dust it off and put it back to work, for the sake of research.

I found remembering to orgasm every day…challenging.  It was outside of my normal routine and so completely off my radar that by the 4th day, I broke the consecutive streak and had to start over.  Once back on the train, I began to notice that I was experiencing feelings of frustration and anger a lot of the time.  WTF?  I didn’t have a concrete idea of where 30 days of orgasm would lead me, but based on my previous sexual history, I was expecting an increase in the feelings of joy and bliss that normally accompany an orgasm.  But what came up instead was a background vibration of “Grrrr…” that I wasn’t sure what to do with.

And then I began to worry.

The reason why my vibrator was so dusty and why orgasm had been so far off my radar was that I had been meditating daily for the past 8 years and my sexual libido had become virtually non-existent.  I considered this to be a good thing.  I felt as if was channeling my energy creatively in my life instead of sexually.  Plus my life became uncomplicated without the messiness of sexual interaction and without lusty thoughts to contend with.  I felt more in control of myself by not having bodily pursuits.  I felt pure and more spiritual by newfound abstinence.

I concluded that this daily orgasm thing was a bad idea and it was imbalancing to my system.  I assumed that it must be taking me off my spiritual path if it was causing all these negative emotions and negative energy to rise in my body and disrupt the harmony of my interpersonal relationships.   So I stopped the experiment 10 days in.  The peace and harmony returned and the Grrr… disappeared.  But then I fell in love with Nicole Daedone (founder of One Taste and developer of OM-ing).  I binge watched all of the videos on her website on and on YouTube  and was fascinated by what she was saying about orgasm, male/female dynamics, and how she weaved the topics of sexuality and spirituality in a way I’ve never experienced before — and that resonated with me strongly.  And then she just had this keen ability of how to energetically read a room and the people in it.  I associated this Superpower with the divine feminine quality of intuition.  And I associated her OM practice with her development of that level of intuition.  And I wanted whatever she was on.  Plus, I learned that Nicole had multiple orgasms several times a day for many years — and yet she seemed sane and kind.  Why couldn’t I get through 10 days??

So I signed up for the OM class with quite a bit of apprehension.  But in the end, I had more curiosity and excitement than hesitation.  I told myself to give it a shot and reminded myself that if I felt I was spiraling into the depths of depravity and damnation, I could just stop.

So I started OM-ing.  And the Grrr returned.  Damn it!  But this time, instead of stopping, I kept going.  I wanted to see if the feeling would fade after awhile.  And it did.  But only after going off on my manicure lady and her assistant, a client, a potential suitor, a Chipotle worker, and a complete stranger.  I turns out that the experience of orgasm was bringing me face to face with my largely unconscious pattern of avoiding conflict and avoiding speaking up for myself.  The fake smile routine was no longer a viable option.  The good girl routine was not working anymore.I literally could no longer remain silent about my preferences and boundaries, and if I tried or went unconscious, I felt the Grrr.

I guess I could have just stopped OM-ing.  And just gone back to my orgasm-less spiritual life.  But I didn’t want to.  The more I began to speak up, I noticed the less imbalanced I felt.   And the more I kept speaking up, the less I would snap and go off on someone, and the easier it became to recognize when something bothered me before the negative emotion became overwhelming.

I’m glad I didn’t succumb to the fear that me exploring my sexuality was going against my spirituality.  I feel like there’s a lot more I’m going to learn about myself through this practice.  A lot of spiritual growth that’s going to take place by destroying all of my pre-conceived notions of what it means to be spiritual.

Looking forward to it.

Can You Hear The Birds?

“Can you hear the birds?  That is a very sexual call.  A moment ago, the rooster was crowing so loudly that you considered not continuing with the recording of this talk.  I other words, your world is filled with Beings who are all receiving direction from Non-Physical.  And yet, it is only the humans who are guarded and resistant regarding the subject of sexuality; it is only the humans who are coming from this extreme place of lack regarding the subject of sexuality.  And, from your perspective of lack, from your concern that you may be doing something wrong, from your concern that has been fostered within you from those who have gone before, you are, most of you, in a place of great confusion and not very much joy.”  ~ Abraham

Moaning and Chanting on a Saturday Night

The other weekend, I was asked to sing lead and backup at a Kirtan in Hollywood.  This was kind of a big deal for me, because throughout my life I’ve wanted to sing, but I have been too shy to put myself in any situation where I might be judged or rejected.  But something shifted for me recently this year where I decided that I was ready to sing, not afraid to hit the wrong notes, and my voice and singing ended up being well received.  I wasn’t planning on doing anything else the night of the show, but I received a text asking me to OM at a circle in Hollywood.  And when I calculated the timing, I decided that I could totally do both.  So I said yes.

I easily found a second partner and went to the circle first that night.  There were about 12 of us in the room with tons of great energy in the room and lots of pleasurable moans to go around.  I had two sets of OM’s, enjoyed them both, and then left before the second half of the event began.  After battling traffic to make it through Hollywood on a Saturday night, I walked into the kirtan before our group went on, and there was a woman with a beautiful angel-like voice chanting Hari-Om over and over again for 15 minutes.  Other than her voice, the room was completely quiet.  Some people in the audience were meditating, some were nodding off, and some were staring at the ceiling.  A monk was in robes at the front of the room in front of the alter with his head bowed.  Some of the ladies were wearing wraps over their heads, and most people in the room were dressed pretty conservatively and in neutral colors.  The only movement or sign of life really were the children in the room, who had a hard time being still.

From the beautiful chanting, to the mediative tone of the room, it all seemed so “spiritual” and this was an environment that I’m used to and normally comfortable in, but that night, I wanted to crawl out of my skin.  I looked down at myself and felt a bit self-conscious.  I was probably one of three black women in the room.  I was wearing form-fitting black tights that hugged my butt.  I was also wearing a top that exposed my shoulders and had every single color of the rainbow in it.  That Sesame Street song, “One of these things is not like the others…one of these things doesn’t belong” floated into my head.  I consider myself to be a very spiritual person.  I’ve had a daily meditation practice for 8 years and I dedicate about an hour to it each day.  I read spiritual wisdom and quotes daily.  I go on meditation retreats and I chant in sanskrit.  So why did I feel so out of place in this environment?  Why weren’t their more people around that looked like me?  Why did my brand of spirituality seem to clash in such contrast with the rest of the room?  I forced myself to close my eyes and try to enjoy the melodic voice coming out of the speakers.  I wasn’t very successful.

When our group finally started to sing, I led an Amazing Grace / sanskrit chat mash up.  I opened my mouth and opened my heart and sang that song with my full being and spirit.  Most of the notes I got right.  Some, not so much.  But I didn’t care.  At least I was singing.  The rest of the songs during the set, I sang back up and enjoyed it, but also felt a bit restrained.  Normally I’m attending kirtan as a participant, and when the spirit starts to rise up and move me, I sway, I move, and usually end up dancing in some fashion.  But this time my movements were constrained to sitting in front of the mic.  At the end of our set  (which was also the end of the event) one of the event organizers came up to thank everyone for chanting and worshipping the name of the Lord.

I was reminded at that point, that for the most part, I have no idea with the sanskrit words actually mean when I say them.  So in my mind, there’s never really a direct association between kirtan and worshipping the Lord.  But on a feeling level, I’m clear why I’m drawn back again and again to kirtan, because through the chanting I feel instantly and undeniably connected to divinity and that larger sense of Oneness.  Through chanting I feel joy and peace and harmony surging through my body.

I chant the Lord’s name in worship, simply because it feels good.

Which is the same reason why I continue to practice orgasmic meditation.  The energy I feel during an OM is blissful and divine.  And the joy and peace I feel afterwards and that infects the rest of my life, is nothing less than heavenly.  In my mind, there’s no separation between my spiritual practice — whether I’m meditating at home, OM-ing in a circle, or chanting at kirtan.  They are all ways of connecting with the Divine and how I am called to express my spirituality.  I doubt most people in the audience would see it the same way, but that’s they way I see it.  And I have to trust what I feeling about all of this, and let that be my guide.

Beacon of Love

“It is never weakness to love. It is only ever strength to love. If we could see it as such, those of us who love without reservation could stop feeling pathetic and instead see it as our greatest and most admirable strength. If we could let ourselves love regardless of what was or wasn’t reciprocated, our love would act as a beacon, leading people back to the truth of themselves. It could rehabilitate people back to a state where they too are allowing love to flow freely to and from them.”
-Teal Scott

Performance Anxiety

One of my favorite things about OM-ing is that I can literally come as I am.  (No pun intended)

No matter what I look like and no matter what I’m going through, it’s completely irrelevant to the practice.  And with that mindset, I started to take notice of the little things.  Like how unbelievably freeing it felt not having to put on makeup or sexy underwear to show up for an OM and be in such an intimate setting with a man.  I wore what I wanted and it didn’t matter.  Sometimes I had spinach in my teeth and it didn’t matter.  I made an impromptu decision to go to an OM one night and realized I hadn’t shaved my legs.  My OM partners didn’t blink an eye.  So I stopped shaving them for a month.    I’ve never been a fan of shaving in general, and I oftentimes only do it so guys won’t be turned off.  I found an opportunity to be free from this ritual and seized it.

But why stop at unshaven legs?

At the beginning of my OM practice, I was very particular about making sure my pussy was “well coifed” as one OM partner noticed one day.   I kept this up for awhile, but after I let go of shaving my legs, my pussy was not far behind.  Plus, I kept getting glances at other women’s pussies during OM circles and they came in all varieties and sizes and hair lengths.  So I kind of let things go there as well.  I finally shaved my legs and pussy again last week, because I wanted to, not because I felt obligated or unwomanly without the practice.

And it all felt so liberating and so freeing….until I was asked for a Makeout Session this weekend.  From what I could gather, a “Makeout” is a term that’s used by well-seasoned members of the OM community to describe agreeing to interact with someone in a sexual or intimate manner outside of the regular OM container.  Like OM, makeouts are also goal-less and oftentimes it’s timed, and the activities can range from kissing, to cuddling, to physical sex, and anything and everything in between.   I had a particularly charged OM with someone and they invited me to a Makeout session to explore that connection further.  I was curious.  So I agreed.

15 minutes before I left the house to meet up with my Makeout partner, I felt anxiety start to set in.  What should I wear?  Should I put on lingerie?  I don’t really like lingerie.  But guys like it.  But he’s seen you with no makeup and cotton underwear — do you really need to put on a lacy bra?  Should I shave my legs?  Does he care about these things outside of OM?  What does he expect me to do today?  What if I don’t want to do those things?  How will he respond if I say no?  What do I want to do with him today?

My mind was spinning with thoughts that I had the luxury of never having to think about in order to OM.  And I almost cancelled…but I stayed with my commitment and my curiosity and arrived as his place fully of anxiety and apprehension.  And he just held a steady presence, as all these anxious thoughts started pouring out of my head and my mouth, and calmly started a discussion about what I wanted from the experience, what I liked, what I disliked, and what my boundaries were.  It felt a bit 50 Shades of Gray-ish and I was happy I didn’t have to sign an NDA.  It also felt oddly empowering to be able to ask for what I wanted and how long I wanted the session to be.  So empowering, and so new, I couldn’t come up easily come up with answers.

I kept self-censoring myself, assuming that if I asked for what I want, he might push back on my boundaries or pressure me to do something I wasn’t comfortable.  My biggest fear is that I would go along with something I wasn’t comfortable with in order to go with the flow and please him.  Unfortunately, that’s my pattern with men.  I told him as much.  He understood.  My other fear is that the intense energy felt during our OM together wouldn’t translate into sexual attraction.  I hadn’t been super physically attracted to him since I started OM-ing so there was a bit of a disconnect mentally for me from jumping from an OM , to a bedroom encounter. I was also afraid he was going to realize I wasn’t good at some things in bed and that he would be disappointed for scheduling this whole thing with me.  I started to realize how so many of these subtle fears operate below the surface in all my intimate encounters with men, but there’s never a space to voice them, and so I end up stuffing them down and pretending everything’s fine and I’ve got it all under control…

He encouraged me to stay with the sensation and what feels right and take the entire experience stroke by stroke, just like I do when I OM.  He felt that a lot of the anxieties I was having about not being good at something were related to “performance” which meant not being in the present moment with whatever was happening during the Makeout.  And that resonated with me.  The sexy lingerie and shaving my legs and pussy ritual sort of felt like I was getting ready for a performance.  And a lot of the anxiety I was feeling related to me being unsure or not whether I would be able to “perform” sexual acts well.  Even a lot of the moaning and other theatrics I’m used to in sex, are all performance.  But unfortunately, performance doesn’t leave much room for the present moment, genuine connection, and being fully in my body during the experience.

So I agreed to take it “stroke by stroke”.
The anxiety went away.
The energy was as intense as the original OM.
I didn’t do anything I didn’t want to do.
Everything I asked for, I received…and more.
I enjoyed the entire Makeout Session.  Thoroughly.

And I silently wished for all of my encounters with men in the future, to be as empowering and as authentic.

Dancing to A New Rhythm

I’ve been swing dancing off and on for 14 years and salsa dancing off and on for about 5 years and I’ve recently realized I’m a new person on the social dancing scene since I started OM-ing.

———–
SWING DANCING
———–

I went swing dancing last week, for the first time since I started OM-ing last month. And for the past 14 years, with few exceptions, I usually say yes to everybody who asks and complete the dance, even if it’s awkward, weird, or treacherous. Why? To be nice. Because I’m a “nice person”. Or at least that’s what I told myself.

And the past 4 times I’ve gone swing dancing, there’s this one guy I dread dancing with because he wants to talk more than dance and we end up barely moving on the dance floor. And I just try and smile through it. Last week, when I saw that he was there, I said to myself no, I’m not going to dance with him. Towards the end of the night, he makes his way towards me and starts chatting me up and asks me for a dance, and I said no. He protested for a bit, I said no again, and he moved on. And I was like, that was easy. Why did it take me so long to allow myself to say no?

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SALSA LESSONS
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I went salsa dancing last night for the first time since OM-ing, which was even more interesting.

I showed up for lessons and there was one guy who tried to keep dancing with me after the instructor said switch partners, and I firmly let him know that I was moving to the next partner, when before I would have just smiled and went along with it. Another guy tried to tell me I wasn’t doing a move correctly, and I let him know in a direct manner that the women were given two options for the move depending on our skill level, and I had chose Option B. He apologized and backed down. Before, I would have just smiled and laughed awkwardly or maybe reverted to the move he was familiar with.

And lastly, there was this one guy who was practicing the turn move, and he told me “You’re not turning quickly enough.” And I firmly responded, “I’m following you, but you’re not giving me the signal with your body to turn, so I don’t move.” And he said OH. And the next time he made the adjustment, and I turned, and his face broke into this big smile, and he said thank you!! I was blow away by how grateful he was. And I also thought to myself, this man has danced with at least 10 women before me tonight as we rotated partners, who were just turning on their own, and not giving him feedback that he needed to change his lead (that totally was me before!). How was he supposed to get better if nobody gave him feedback?

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SALSA DANCING
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After the lessons, there was a guy who asked me to dance and we got on the floor and he was spinning around and doing flashy moves and whipping me to and fro while I kind of had this “deer caught in the headlights” look on my face. And before I would have just grimaced and fake smiled my way through the dance, but I stopped, and managed to yell over the music that he was a bit too advanced for me and I’d like to end the dance. He looked surprised and then bashful, but then agreed. I felt relief and just happy that I spoke up for myself.

And lastly, this one guy asked me to dance. And once we got to the dance floor, I was trying to read his lead and he just keep looking at me intensely with complete presence and quietly watching me, and then he gently leaned down towards my ear and said “I think the rhythm of this song is a little faster.” I usually don’t respond well to being “adjusted” but there was something about his energy and the way he said it and maybe a level of humility from all the “adjusting” I’ve been asking for in my OMs, that made me compliant. I immediately increased my pace, he smiled, and our dancing together took off in a really magical way. I was a bit mesmerized.

He found me again for the next song – which was bachata, and I tried to resist because I don’t really do bachata, but he pulled me on the dance floor anyways. We start dancing and once again he watches me for awhile and then leans forward and says relax your arms, they’re a bit tense. Another adjustment! Fuck! But once again, it was true! And I sheepishly explain about not liking bachata, but then I just consciously relaxed my arms and the dance started to flow.

And the thought that popped in my head after that, was OMG, I would totally fuck this man. I’m pretty sure my pussy was talking to me. Normally she’s pretty quiet. I tried to push the thought out because it was a pretty hard core thought. There was no romance to it, I didn’t want to know anything about him or care that much, and I usually just go out to dance to have fun and I’ve never went home with anyone from a club/bar. And instead of saying something to him about my desire or how I was feeling in the moment, I hid from him the next hour and then left the club!! Oy…

(Dear OM Practice: I still have some work to do in this area, obviously)

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LESSONS LEARNED
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#1 There was something about this man’s level of presence and being adjusted and handled in that way, that I realized in that moment that I really liked, desired, and craved, and wanted from a man, and I’m pretty sure that awareness wasn’t present before OM-ing. Who knows if I’ll ever see him again, but at least I’m better tuned into that particular awareness and desire, so I’ll know it when I feel it again.

#2 Guys appreciate adjustments!

#3 I’m also realizing how Stepford I used to be with people, without realizing it. All of the fake smile, fake laughing, not being direct/honest wit men, and not speaking up for myself, under the guise of being “nice”. A bit painful to look at of course, but happy to see all of that changing…

Craving To Be Inappropriate

Last year, I had somehow managed to attract into my experience a 3 month stay in an apartment with two roommates. One of my guy roommates was a bi-sexual man who was progressive, open, and vocal about his sexuality and his love of both men and women, and of sex. He was in an open relationship with a woman, but he clearly let me feel that he was attracted to me and invited me to take baths with him during my stay, amongst other things.

I wasn’t repulsed by the idea but I realized that I completely froze at the thought of being intimate with someone who I knew was in a relationship with someone else, regardless of whether she had expressed her approval.

I froze at the thought of how taking a bath with someone could ever be non-sexual or just something that friends do. He assured me that where he was from (a small town in Canada) he had friends who took baths together all the time and it was totally fine.

Despite his assurances, I was still skeptical.

I froze at the thought that I might actually like the experience, but I didn’t want to deal with the awkward aftermath of living with someone who had seen me naked. That would be too messy. I was left with the distinct feeling of feeling frozen in side. A distinct feeling of being torn between natural desire and curiosity, versus all of the conditioning lurking in my subconscious that wouldn’t allow me to move forward.

So I declined his offers, and we remained “friends”.

My second roommate had a girlfriend who was at the house a lot. She was thin, brunette, kind, and strikingly beautiful. When I met her, I was sure she was a model of some sort. But I watched myself as I judged her for the clothing she wore…or should I say the lack of clothing she wore. It wasn’t hot just yet in Vancouver, but around the house she work lacy bras and oversized tank tops that showed the back and sides of the bra. I remember thinking that she should cover up, she should wear those types of things in the bedroom, cover up more, or at least dress more for the weather! It was cold outside woman! These thoughts were very subtle and very quiet. At the same time I realized, that I was just a temporary roommate and how she dressed in the space of her boyfriend’s home was her personal business. But then I realized that it wasn’t just “around the house” wear, and that she would leave the house with those same clothes, and no jacket!

Does this woman have no shame!?!?!

My mind was a mess trying to understand why this woman was so sexual. Maybe she needed the attention. Maybe she felt she needed to dress that way to get a man. Maybe she was abused at some point in her life and felt like she had to dress that way to feel good about herself. I’m ashamed to admit them now, but these were my unspoken thoughts at the time. I was a bit obsessed with this woman and began to make up and project all sorts of stories in my head for her lack of clothing.

However, the thought never crossed my mind, that maybe she dressed that way because she was comfortable in her body and in her sexuality, and that one of the things her boyfriend loved about her was that she was comfortable expressing these things.

The thought never crossed my mind, that maybe I was just jealous.

A year later, I still carried many of these same concepts with me into the OM-ing community in LA. I began to notice how a lot of Turned On women “flaunted” or expressed their sexuality. Especially the one’s who led Turn Ons. Dresses tight. Skin was showing. Legs weren’t crossed. Panties showing. (Why in the world didn’t they cross their freaking legs I thought?) Although I had enough awareness at this point, to see my thoughts for what they were and understand that my judgments of other women expressing their sexuality, had more to do with my judgments of myself and my own sexuality, more than them.

And then it started to rub off on me… I started going to dance class without a bra. It felt wrong. It felt naughty. It felt so inappropriate. Even the simple walk from my car to the building where the dance classes were felt risqué. But there was something within me that needed to do it, to not be so fucking appropriate anymore.

I also started wearing lace bra-lets underneath my tank tops. YES! The same thing I had obsessed about and found so inappropriate a year ago in Vancouver, I began to embrace for myself and I felt sexy and I loved it. I also posted my first overtly sexy photo on social media yesterday (see attachment). There were boobs. And they were prominent. It was in startling contrast to all of my “cute” and lady-like, largely a-sexual, photos before now. It was a big red mark on my “good girl” image that I had helped cultivate, and I was happy to play a major role is starting to dismantle that image.

I thank OM-ing and the community of Turned On women for helping me to stop judging other women for loving their bodies, and for helping me to start to be more comfortable loving mine. And for helping me start to feel less frozen inside…